A diary entry from when I was 17. I had been going out with my boyfriend for a month. He was 2 years older, and was at uni locally.
For most of that month, I’d been on study leave from school, doing AS-level exams, which meant I was able to see quite a lot of him (probably would have done better in those exams if I’d seen less of him! Also, one English exam was on the Handmaid’s Tale!)
I was about to go back on the usual school timetable and start my A-levels and was worried about seeing less of him.
The job I mention was being a cleaner in a hotel/pub. I was probably right about not being paid or respected enough. I had to pick a lot of cigarette ends out of urinals.
“I’m really frustrated. I have a busy week ahead and I may not see Rob till Wednesday.
Apart from the obvious annoyingness of not getting to see him for two days there are things that actually unsettle me and make me feel insecure:
- he doesn’t seem that bothered about not being able to see me
- we’ve seen each other at least every other day until now. I like it that way and
- I don’t want me being at school again to mean I only see him once or twice a week
- I don’t want him to turn around and say ‘we never see each other. We should break up’
- I don’t want him to go back to how he felt about me before we were seeing each other every other day ie before we met – him feeling NOTHING for me.
If he goes for ages without seeing me he might think ‘This is nice actually!’ and break up with me.
We might become less close if we get into a pattern of seeing each other less.
OK I’m going to look at it with a different perspective now:
- I was on timetable at school the first week we knew each other and we saw each other 4 times.
- This will almost definitely be good – he’ll miss me and realise how much he likes me, rather than taking me for granted seeing every bloody day. It’ll be better when we do see each other at last.
- I’ll have time to myself to make sure I’m not losing my identity by shaping myself to fit him. He will also have time to do this.
OK. This is like when I had counselling with Lucy. I’d tell her what I was upset about, that had happened that week, and we’d work out WHY it upset me.
We’d then look at it from different perspectives and see it as less upsetting and find ways to cope with it.
ANYWAY. Today was my brother’s birthday. I worked til 2.30pm and went straight to Number 86 for Sunday dinner with Mum and Dad and my brother their birthdays and Father’s day.
I was pissed off at work. I had to do horrible things and I felt like I’m not paid enough or respected enough.
Did quite a lot of studying. Dr. Faustus.
Last exam tomorrow!