I decided to include a glossary of terms, for a few reasons.
Firstly, I live in England, but I know I have followers from all over the world. I probably use a lot of British terms that mean something different outside the UK. For example, I’m always talking about ‘coming out of the tube’ and I expect people imagine me wriggling out of a piece of hosepipe like a caterpillar or something, but actually I mean ‘coming out of an Underground train station, like would be called ‘the subway’ or ‘Metro’ in other countries’. (Let me know if I say something that doesn’t mean anything outside the UK.)
Also, although I’m open enough about sex to be writing a blog about it, I still end up using quite euphemistic or anatomical terms, to the point that it might not be clear what I’m talking about. I’ve also made up some terms for sexual things there isn’t a word for (like ‘the haemoglobin chastity belt’ – not having sex because it’s your period).
Lastly, my angle is that I look at dating from a Psychology perspective. Working in mental health and talking about feelings all day every day, means there are certain terms I use as if they’re common knowledge, when actually they are obscure Psychology terms.
Advanced level kissing
(noun) Kissing with groping, likely to be engaged in while lying down
being on Boner-watch
(noun) a male being too distracted to enjoy sex, because of worrying about the hardness of his erection, often even causing him to lose his erection
being on Jizz-watch
(noun) a male being too distracted to enjoy sex, because of worrying about whether he is going to orgasm, often even causing him not to come
completing the transaction
having an orgasm
Haemoglobin chastity belt
(noun) not being able to have sex because of one’s period.
Origin: haemoglobin is a protein molecule in red blood cells.
Having some special time on my own
Keratin Chastity Belt
1. Not having sex because you haven’t done your bikini line or shaved your legs.
2. Deliberately not shaving your legs and bikini line to prevent yourself from having ill-advised sex later.
Origin: Keratin is a protein in hair. This phrase developed over time, after an initial night out when I kissed a man with long hair in a club, and afterwards, my friend, who has a PhD in Chemistry, said “you like a bit of keratin, don’t you!”.
the Penetrative bit
penis in vagina sex
1. (noun) a British term for a unit of sex
2. (verb) to have sex with someone
1. (verb) To kiss with tongues. British equivalent of ‘make out’.
2. (noun) A kiss or several, with tongues
(noun) a shop in Britain that sells things like electrical items and furniture. It has a massive catalogue. You choose you what you want, write it on a little slip of paper with a tiny pencil, pay and then wait a very long time for the staff to bring you your item from the mysterious back room
(noun) the season between summer and winter, known as ‘fall’ in the US
(noun) An incident in 2015, when a book came out which alleged that the Prime Minister of the UK at the time, David Cameron, whilst at university, had engaged in an initiation to join a club, which involved putting his penis into the mouth of a dead pig. He denied this allegation.
In the UK, pissed means drunk.
(In the US, pissed means annoyed. In the UK, if we mean annoyed, we say pissed off. I try to avoid saying “I was pissed”, because I know it’s ambiguous, but it’s hard because I am pissed so much of the time (drunk). I’m also pissed off (annoyed) a lot of the time.)
(noun) The Underground train system in London is called ‘the Tube’. I don’t know why.
BDD – Body dysmorphic disorder
An anxiety disorder where someone has a distorted view of some aspect of their appearance, and they are really preoccupied and distressed by it, interfering with their everyday life.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – the type of therapy I do. It’s really good, especially for anxiety disorders and depression.
A type of therapy I do, for trauma. It’s really good. It helps people process traumatic memories, when they make certain eye movements while thinking about the trauma in a specific way.
A theory from the Psychodynamic approach, that when boys are around 3 years old, they want to have sex with their mums. Unless I’ve misunderstood.
PTSD – Post-traumatic Stress Disorder
An anxiety disorder where someone has experienced a traumatic incident (usually where they thought they were going to be killed or seriously hurt, or they witnessed someone else being killed or seriously hurt) and the memory hasn’t been processed in the usual way. The memory gets stuck in the wrong part of the brain and the person thinks they are still in danger, they have nightmares or flashbacks of the traumatic incident and avoid things that remind them of it.
Cast of Characters
I decided to do something like this, especially as I think it might be hard to keep track of all the men in my life.
Recently, I was having a conversation with one of my friends, about our parents getting older. My mum has just turned 70, and she worries a lot about memory.
“The other day, my mum seemed completely confused about who I’m dating at the moment!” I said to my friend.
“That’s not unique to your mum.” My friend replied.
I need a Cast of Characters I thought.
Dates (in chronological order):
(all names changed)
The Alcoholic Twin
My first proper boyfriend, when I was 16. We had been friends since Primary School. I was also close friends with his twin brother. We only went out for 2 months, then he broke my heart. We’re occasionally in touch on Facebook.
(In Every time I’ve said “I love you”)
My boyfriend from 2001 to 2006. I lost my virginity (what was left of it) to him. He had OCD. We stayed friends for about 10 years, but then he cut off contact with me when he met his wife.
(In All posts about Rob)
A guy I went out for 6 months in 2006. I was absolutely crazy about him. We reconnected when I moved to London in 2012 and I realised he was actually intensely annoying.
(In Why did I love him so much?; Every time I’ve said “I love you”)
My boyfriend from 2007 to the end of 2011. He died at the start of 2012 in a fire. I regret making up the name ‘Balthazar’ now, as it doesn’t really suit him, but it was a name he mentioned when we were discussing names for future children.
(in All posts about Balthazar)
A guy I had thing with after breaking up with Balthazar, November 2011 – January 2012. He was my best friend’s neighbour, and we had been hanging out as friends for a while, then we became more than friends, until I moved away and he got a girlfriend. Over the years, every so often he gets back in touch and is very flirty, despite having a girlfriend.
(in All posts about James)
the Glamorous Adulterer
my married ex-boss, who I had a fling with in 2012. This was obviously a terrible mistake. I call him this because I used to talk to my Mum about it, and she couldn’t remember his name so would refer to him as this instead
(mentioned in Post-date paranoia in Portugal, Why did I love him so much?)
My boyfriend from 2013 to 2016. We broke up because he had anger management problems
(in All posts about Matthew)
a man I went on 2 dates with in June 2016. He had a lot of mental health problems.
(All posts about Daniel)
a man in his late 20s, who I went on 4 dates with in the Summer/Autumn of 2016
(All posts about Young Jaguar)
a bisexual woman I went on a date with in Autumn 2016
(in A run-of-the-mill heterosexual, or ignoring the same-sex bit?, My date with a woman)
Open Relationship Guy
a man I went on one date with, in Autumn 2016. Called Open Relationship guy because he was ideally looking for an open relationship. We decided just to be friends and we regularly go to the cinema together.
(in Open Relationship guy, “Tomorrow I’m going to say something really significant (probably)”)
a youngster in his 20s who I dated from October 2016 to February 2017. He couldn’t be in a relationship due to his body image problems and absolutely broke my heart.
(All posts about Whippersnapper)
a friend I went on 2 dates with in March/April 2017. We met when I was his lecturer in 2012 (but I checked the university website and I haven’t broken any rules).
(in I seem to be tied up. That’s annoying., The weirdest first date ever, 2nd date: Mike turns out to be in Slytherin)
Bearded South African Man
A man in his late 30s I went on 3 dates with in April and May 2017
(All posts about the Bearded South African Man)
A man I went on a date with in June 2017
(in My date with the… Pauser)
The Injured One
A lovely young lad I met on holiday and nearly got off with, in August 2017
(in How low can I go?)
A guy I went on one date with in September 2017
(in 20th Century Cocks)
A police officer I went on one date in November 2017, but he had no other topics of conversation besides his job
(in Are people at their best or worst on first dates?)
A doctor I went on one date with in December 2017. For a while, it seems I only dated men whose jobs would be in a child’s picture book of jobs (policeman, teacher, doctor) – or, as my friend pointed out – scenes from porn.
(in The Idiot Litmus test)
The Great Scot
An adorable Scottish man I met in December 2017. I had decided to try and find someone to date who wasn’t mentally ill. Then I met the Scot, had diagnosed him with at least 3 disorders by the end of the first date, and thought Fuck it! If it ain’t broke…
(in All posts about the Great Scot)
Andrew, the World-weary Police Detective
A lovely policeman I met in May 2018. From our first date, he seemed serious and world-weary, but also very enthusiastic about small things. I told him he made me feel safe and comfortable, and he told me I made him feel alive.
(All posts about Andrew)