The Mauve Slide-show

Things heated up with Mauve Man

We chatted more by text. 

Last week, I told him I had just been to salsa and he asked if I could teach him. 

At first I said I wasn’t sure, as I only recently started salsa again. Then I said “I suppose there are a few things I could teach you, though!”

He said “are you still talking about dancing?” with a winking emoji.

I said “well, we were doing a move tonight called the ‘cross-body.'”

“What does that involve?”

“I’d need to show you in person.”

Then he said it would be good to meet up when I get back from Portugal (I’m in Portugal at the moment).

He added an adorable, tentative “if you’re up for it.”

I said that would be great, and felt excited we were finally getting a date locked in.

I went to clean my teeth, but when I came back, he had said “great 😊. I’m off to sleep now, night x”

Argh! Still no date in the diary!

After the Whippersnapper’s aching inability to arrange and attend dates, Sexual Diary Management really stresses me out.

The next day, it came up in conversation that he went travelling in Asia for 6 months. I said that I’ve only nipped to Kuala Lumpur and Bangkok when visiting my brother in Australia, and that I went to India this year.

I said “do you have any nice photos of you in Asia?”

Then I said “(not just an excuse to look at photos of you.)”

Then “(OK, maybe a bit.)”

He sent me a couple of super-cute photos – one of him holding a certificate after doing a bungee jump in Thailand, and one of him outside a temple. 

He said he didn’t take many photos of himself, which I actually also liked.

I sent him one of me purifying my friend with turmeric before his wedding in India, and one of me and  my friends in a field of tea.

Then this happened: 

For the rest of the night, there were a lot of projector-based sex puns. I think he was quite keen for it to progress from sex-pun flirting to actual sexting, but I held back. 

I had a dilemma about it. 

On the one hand:

  • I fancy him
  • He wanted me to sext him – I think if someone wants me to do something, I have a slight, unconscious pull to do it, especially if it’s a boy I like. Don’t get me wrong, I often don’t do what people want. Sometimes I find it pretty easy, like this week, I’ve enjoyed standing my ground with a pushy estate agent. But I guess if it’s someone I like and want them to like me, I naturally feel more inclined to say yes
  • I know when I’ve sexted guys in the past, I’ve had quite good feedback. I like words and I like sex so it brings together all my interests! I like doing things I feel good at 

But on the other hand:

  • I felt like I did more sexting with James than I wanted, because he was very pushy
  • We haven’t even met yet. I don’t want to  “write cheques my ass can’t cash” as Flatmate Joe would say
  • Imagine how awkward it would be to meet in person and find I don’t fancy him, if I’ve already talked him through my exact blowjob technique 
  • I don’t want to rush things. I don’t want us to make it all about sex at the expense of the non-sex stuff.

We talked about projector self-maintenance before bed, and he asked for a lot more detail, but I said he’d have to use his imagination.

He said he was going to look at the photo I sent him instead, which made me feel nice.

We arranged our first date for the week after I get back from Portugal. Two weeks away! 

The next day, this happened.

I wasn’t sure where to go from there. I knew there was still 2 weeks until our date. If we weren’t careful, by the time we finally met, I might’ve texted him a photo of my actual cervix or something.

Also, I liked some of the non-sexual chat we had before. 

That evening, I sent him a message with something pleasant about his caterpillar, then “tell me something non-sexual about your day.”

By the time I went to bed, he hadn’t replied, but I didn’t think too much of that.

I was on a training course the next day. Each time I checked my phone in the breaks, I felt a bit deflated to see he still hadn’t replied.

He has gone from 60 to 0 very quickly!

I tried not to worry too much. That morning, Whatsapp (the messaging app we use) had been down. Last time Whatsapp was down, a friend sent me a message and it said I had received it, but I never did.

On Saturday, the next day, I asked Flatmate Joe his opinion. I wasn’t sure if Mauve Man had the hump because I’d tried to downgrade the conversation to non-sexual, or something.

He said “he might be being a dick, or it might just be that he knows your date isn’t for two weeks, and he’s trying to pace himself.”

“Yeah, maybe he’s worried if we carried on like that, his balls would be mauve by our date!”

We agreed I would just wait and see what happened. 

So I came to Portugal. My parents are retired and like getting some winter sun, and I went to join them.

A few days went by. I’ve been having a great time, but trying not to think about this time last year, when I came here. 

I had just had my fourth date with the Whippersnapper and was seriously falling for him.

I’ve kept reminding myself that last year, that holiday, my parents noticed I wasn’t my usual self and I knew too, that I was feeling depressed. It can’t have been as perfect with WS as I’m remembering.

But it was easier to feel philosophical about WS when I had someone new to be excited about.

What the hell happened?

Nearly a week had gone by and Mauve Man still hadn’t replied. 

Had I done something wrong? Had I put him off somehow?

Had things changed for him? Maybe things progressed with someone else he was dating. Or he was yet another boy with mixed ideas about what he wants.

I knew he was just a guy I might not meet, or someone I might meet and not like, or he might not like me. I was definitely trying to keep realistic and measured instead of getting too excited.

But the way it had gone from hot to nothing really surprised me.

I felt like he was a monument to the idea that Things Might Actually Be OK. And now this bit of hope turned out to be a mirage in the desert.

I tried to get back into OkCupid and Tinder. Tinder kept showing me nearby Portuguese man, much to be the absolute fascination of my parents, who kept asking what I was doing on my phone. They now just about understand the difference between Tinder and Twitter.

We joked about me replying to a hot young Portuguese man saying “would you like to come out for dinner with me and my parents?”

Then, yesterday, I decided to send Mauve Man one last message. Maybe there was a problem with Whatsapp that day, or something.

I cringed with embarrassment for putting myself out there and double-texting. 

I wrote “hey, how’s you week going, projector-man?”

Oh god.

I pressed send.

I kept checking my phone over the next 5 minutes, before trying to distract myself.


I wasn’t feeling optimistic.

And then this happened!


He put two crying-with-laughter emojis in response to the thing I said about non-sexual texts.

Later that evening, when I got into bed, we had a chat about Portugal. He seemed really interested.

Looks like the slide-show is back on!

18 thoughts on “The Mauve Slide-show

  1. Oh thank goodness you texted again! A few years ago I was texting with a guy, and it got a bit sexy, then suddenly one afternoon it stopped. Never heard from him. A month later I saw him on the dating site again, and he’d fallen off a ladder, broken his leg, and been staying with his sister in the country who had no wifi. I saw the pic of him with cast on! So it’s always good to give the benefit of the doubt at least once : ) Enjoy Portugal, I’m jealous : ) G

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I second Jonathon! Love your stories. They make me laugh a lot, and also the way you reveal your thoughts and vulnerabilities makes you incredibly human and appealing. So, things I noted – you have a brother in Australia. You love masala tea (aka chai) – I am a total addict and make mine on the stove every day. Clearly we have to talk. Oh and Mr Mauve – you need to move it right along to actual meeting before it goes off the boil or runs into weird and uncomfortable territory

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hahaha, mauve balls!

    I love your posts. They’re so insightful and hilarious.

    Good for you for reaching out again. I typically do the same thing when a certain behavior doesn’t make sense.

    Hurry up and get on your date! I like his sense of humor. And I hope you’re not disappointed (a hazard of waiting too long before 1st date).

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Pingback: Ambivalence and the Mauve Ghost | Dater Analysis

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