No Post-wank Concluding Remarks

I am playing with fire. And you’d think I’d know better, given my past experiences with house fires.

I’ve been debating whether to write about this, as I’m embarrassed.

A few weeks ago I wrote about James – the guy I was friends with in 2011 and we ended up having naked fun a few times.

A few weeks ago, I was on my way home one Sunday morning, when James unexpectedly texted me for the first time in a year.

We had a nice chat and it felt slightly different. Normally, he ends up trying to get me to send him a photo of my breasts, and I tell him off because he has a girlfriend.

This time, he seemed a bit different. He was flirty, but didn’t ask for a naked photo. He sent me a photo of his one-year-old son and he seemed a bit vulnerable. Maybe I was a bit different too.

The conversation with him perked me up that morning.

On my train home, I decided to send a message to the Perfect-in-lots-of-ways Guy.

He was a guy I went on one date with in June. I had a brilliant time with him. I wasn’t 100% sure I fancied him, but I was well up for seeing him again and trying to muster up some sexual attraction. He seemed keen too; we texted each other quite a lot at first. Then I went away, then he went away, then he lost his phone, and the contact petered out.

A few days earlier, I come across his profile on OkCupid, when looking for something else.

I was surprised to see the last time he logged into OkCupid was in July. I checked my phone and realised it was the same day as the last day he messaged me.

Oh my god. What if he stopped messaging me and stopped logging into OkCupid because he died in July?

I had been thinking about this for a few days. Then, that Sunday morning, I guess I had a rush of positive feelings about contact with past guys, after my conversation with James, so I sent the Perfect-in-lots-of-ways Guy a text, just saying “are you OK?”

I got off the train and went to buy some breakfast, and saw there were two ticks on WhatsApp straight away, meaning the message had successfully reached his phone.

Phew. He’s alive! That’s all I wanted to know! 

I cheerily paid for my sausages. The great thing about the absolutely terrible battery life on iPhones, is if a phone is switched on, you know it has a living human tending to the battery life.

I supposed it was possible his bereaved family had set up a vigil with his charging iPhone in the middle, but it seemed most likely he was live and kicking.

I went home and got on with my day.

In the afternoon, James started chatting to me again. Earlier he had said he was going shopping for a new laptop. This time, he messaged me saying he didn’t get a laptop, but did get a runner bean peeler (I’m not convinced runner beans need peeling).

We started chatting for a while, about old times, relationships and nostalgia (including sex). Then he said “right, I need a tug now after all this talk.” Then “should I picture anything you recommend?”

Uh-oh. We’re on dangerous ground. I thought.

But I probably didn’t think that for long enough, because I soon reeled off a few things for him to think about.

It felt like what I was doing was definitely wrong. If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn’t be at all happy if he was having a conversation like this with a girl. I do think it’s more his responsibility than mine, because he’s the one in a relationship. However, my response can make the difference between him trying to cheat and him actually cheating.

On the other hand, while sexting someone in a relationship is definitely not OK, it’s not as bad as having sex in person. And he did say their relationship was pretty much over (although it would be interesting to know if she thinks the same).

It didn’t quite feel like sexting. He told me he was about to masturbate and I suggested some nice images, but it felt less bad that we weren’t chatting while the actual masturbation occurred.

Then, the conversation sort of ended and I assumed he was off giving himself a treat, and I carried on making my cup of tea.

As the afternoon went on, I started feeling miserable.

First, my initial relief at the survival of the Perfect-in-lots-of-ways Guy wore off. I felt like an idiot because he hadn’t replied.

I guess the fact he never went back on OkCupid means whatever stopped him seeing me again also stopped him seeing all women. I have a feeling he has a child. I wonder if he got back with the mother or something.

As well as my embarrassment with PILW-guy, I felt used by James.

For once he hadn’t seemed like his main motivation for talking to me was sex, and yet as soon as he’d got some wank-material, he hadn’t even ended the conversation.

I guess it tapped into how I often felt used by the Whippersnapper, at the end. I love it when I can use my therapy skills to help someone, but I hated the way he would come to me when upset, and then as soon as he felt better, abandon the conversation.

All he had to say was “thanks, this has helped, chat soon” or even (groundbreaking) “anyway, how are you?”. I couldn’t bear the way he left me hanging and just stopped replying once his needs were met.

And now James had done the same, once his (different) needs were met. If he’d just said one or two nice things afterwards, either about how the masturbation went, or unrelated things, I would’ve felt less used.

I chatted to Flatmate Joe about it.

“All it would’ve taken is a few Post-Wank Concluding Remarks, and I wouldn’t have felt like that!”

Joe agreed.

In the end, I sent him this message:

“Now I feel like a human copy of FHM.”

I probably need to get more up-to-date references, but FHM was a magazine that young men used to read in the UK, in the 1990s. It had ‘articles’, but was mostly enjoyed for the photos of naked women inside.

He didn’t understand, so I explained “It was just because it seemed like as soon as we’d got onto the wank material, the conversation ended. It seemed like it was the only reason you wanted to talk to me. I guess a few Post-wank Concluding Remarks would’ve made it feel less like that.”

He sent me 11 messages apologising and explaining.

He said he never actually masturbated that afternoon. Just as he was about to, his son had woken up, and then the Sunday roast dinner he’d made was ready, and he hadn’t had a chance to text me. He seemed really apologetic and concerned I was upset.

I texted him, saying:

“Thanks for being nice about it!

“I totally get you’re obviously very busy all the time (all my friends with kids are the same), and you don’t owe me anything at all!

“Even if I am just a bit of wank bank material, I’m ok with that. We haven’t seen each other for years and it’s kind of flattering.

“It’s just that not wrapping up the conversation made it feel like a transaction. It wasn’t like that as I know you were busy but I’m sure you can see how it would’ve looked like that.

“Sorry to be stressy, I just believe in saying things and then resolving and forgetting about it.”

He said he respected it and apologised again. We went on to chatting about normal stuff, which was nice. Then he said “by the way I don’t think of you as wank bank material. Please don’t think I only think of you in that way.”

We chatted for hours, all night. He was apparently in bed in the spare room, where he sleeps now.

We talked about our lives, relationships, our feelings, what we were watching on TV.

And then we had text sex. Filthy, incredibly detailed, hardcore text sex, with naked photos.

I’m not at all proud of this.

But it was absolutely brilliant.

I never send guys naked photos. I’m not sure how this happened. He made me feel great about my body.

He said things like “I’ve missed your body.”

He asked if I still like ladybirds, which are my favourite animal (ladybugs 🐞). I said I couldn’t believe he remembered that. He said “I remember more than you think.”

Since then, which was a few weeks ago, he has texted me every so often, especially late at night at weekends. I always seem to be on my way home from a date, and he always asks how the date was.

At first I thought he was basically pretty happy with his girlfriend, but maybe they’re going through a rough patch and he’s drifted to me as I’m the last girl from his past.

I think there’s probably a “one that got away” feeling with me, because we were mainly friends who really clicked and had great chemistry, but I told him I didn’t want a relationship and really actually fancied his flatmate instead.

We ended up doing sexual stuff a few times, but we never had full penetrative sex, as far as I remember. I can imagine it feels like unfinished business.

But now I think about it, I don’t think it is just the classic situation where maybe the girl has gone off sex a bit after having a baby, and he’s started looking elsewhere. When I look back, he’s been like this with me since day one of their relationship. Right from the honeymoon period, when I wasn’t sure if they were properly together, to a few months in, when she moved in with him because she needed somewhere to live, to now.

The other night, we were chatting and he kept sending me heart emojis and even wrote “Love ❤️” when we were saying good night.

I showed it to Flatmate Joe and he said “are you the one that got away to him?”

I said “I think I might be!”

He said “yeah, either because you actually are, or because you represent the whole of womankind to him.”

I must admit, I don’t mind representing the whole of womankind to someone.

Another night, we were saying good night and he said “text me as soon as you open your eyes in the morning” which I thought was a bit of a full-on thing to say to your wank-bank-mistress.

I feel like I’m enjoying this flirtation with James because I’ve been on some terrible dates, and I still miss WS so much, and I feel a bit lonely and unwanted. It’s lovely that someone from so long ago seems to have thought of me over the years, even if there is a primarily sexual motivation for his contact.

It feels special that we share a history from before I even moved to London. He really seemed to care about me, when we were friends, and he seems to worry about me now.

And he’s fun to chat to, and caring in a different way to what I’m used to. Back in 2011, I think I fancied his flatmate more because the flatmate was brooding, sensitive and a bit vulnerable. Now I wish I’d appreciated the brilliance of James’ strong self-reliance. He didn’t need me but he still wanted me.

However, I know that continuing with this is an achingly terrible idea, because

  • he has a girlfriend and son. How awful for them, if I’m responsible for fucking up their lives and making three people unhappy.
  • if he’s happy to do this to her, he can’t be that great or reliable a guy
  • if he was right for me, we would’ve got together when we were both single (although I’ve changed quite a bit since then)
  • he can’t possibly love me (or even ‘heart emoji’ me). If he loves anything, it’s a made-up version of me, based on bits of me from 2011 and his ideal woman filling in the gaps
  • he lives in another city and if anything, he wants to move to the country, not London

I need to step away from the matches and stop playing with fire.

I’m just not quite ready to yet.

10 thoughts on “No Post-wank Concluding Remarks

  1. I do not understand why men mess around. You seem that you can openly speak to him because you were able to ask him about the him not responding after the wank so can you open up a dialogue and find out what the deal is with the girl?
    At the end of the day you are not responsible for his actions, only your own and if you are comfortable in your own skin with proceeding then I see no issue
    If things fuck up between his girlfriend and him..totally his responsibility – not yours!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This doesn’t seem like it will end well. Like Jad said, I’d ask him some pointed questions about his baby mama. Are they separated but living together to share child-raising duties? Or is he trying to make it work with her? Although, given his messages to you, I’d be willing to bet that’s not the case. He doesn’t seem like the cheating type.

    Still, you deserve to know what’s going on.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your self-analysis skills are spot on. I’m sure this has played itself out by now, but once again I am appreciating the depth of your writing and the way you confront difficult subjects. I think this wank-bank material that you describe is EXTREMELY common for guys using online dating apps. From very young (eg 17-18+) to middle aged, they all seem to regard it as their right to use images of women’s bodies for visual stimulation – with no thanks, or just a disappearance post climax. I quote a wonderful woman in my book who chastised women for thinking we should give in to this pressure (sure, sometimes it’s fun and we do it for power and control and self-esteem and all that) – she said to remember than no man ever died of a boner. Gold 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: James and all his penises | Dater Analysis

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