How to make sex last longer

One of the ‘challenges’ that Andrew and I have come across, is sex not lasting as long as we might’ve hoped. It’s a challenge we often ‘come across’ unexpectedly quickly!

Andrew seems to feel a lot worse about it than I do. The layout of my gynaecological zones means I’m never going to come from penetration alone anyway. Usually he’s spent ages giving me oral and I’m completely satisfied before we’ve even moved onto the Penetration Section of the Night.

With ex-boyfriends, I’ve enjoyed the penetration because you feel so close to each other, and they’re enjoying it so much, and there’s something quite primally great about having a penis inside you, but I know it’s not going to make me come. If it lasts too long, I often end up thinking we’ve all got work in the morning – can we wrap this up soon, mate?

(Obviously if we do a position where they can also touch me, it’s a different story, but that’s not physically possible for a lot of positions, or it requires an advanced level of multi-tasking.)

So, when we first started sleeping together, it didn’t last long at all. I didn’t have my stopwatch out, but I’d guess it was about 2 minutes or something.

The worst thing about it was seeing Andrew feeling bad about it. We’d be having lovely sex, then he’d say, “oh, no! I’m going to come!”

I’d say, “it’s OK! Enjoy it!” while encouragingly stroking whichever of his limbs was nearest.

It was sad to think of him thinking ‘oh no’ about coming. I just want his orgasms to make him feel full of pleasure and good feelings, not embarrassment or regret. Especially when he’s already given me several.

However, it’s got better, and I wanted to share what has worked for us.

I think when we first started having sex, it probably didn’t last long because the feeling of being inside a nice warm vagina wasn’t that familiar to him.

Although he’d had two 2-year relationships, he said in passing, on our 6th date, that he’s tended to focus more on giving girls oral, rather than full sex or them doing things for him. He nonchalantly said it was because he ‘wasn’t sure he deserved it.’

(I know his first girlfriend was instrumental in him feeling like he didn’t deserve it, whereas his second girlfriend probably wanted to do more for him.)

“Oh my god! You do deserve it! You do deserve it!” I said.

It was a pretty good gig for me, because his oral skills are absolutely Olympic standard, but I wanted to help him overcome that feeling of not deserving it.

These days, when I get woken up at 6am by him trying mount me, I know he knows he deserves it.

I don’t think I’ve said much on here about the sex not lasting that long, because I really don’t care about it. If I was creating Sexual Top Trumps, I’m not sure I’d even include ‘Duration of shag’ as a category – is not an important criterion for me.

Intensity of orgasms, number of orgasms, how much I fancy him, communication, how he makes me feel about myself, whether he instinctively does what I like, how connected we feel, his demeanour during sex, how similar or compatible our tastes are – these are the things that make our sex feel like the best I’ve had.

Although, there was one time when he came when I was still getting the condom out the drawer.

“I mean, that really WAS quite quick,” I said.

He laughed, even though he was embarrassed, because apparently I’m normally quite diplomatic about it.

I remembered I had a book about penises, and I dug it out one day, around this time.

I have written a book about gender differences (as yet unpublished). A few years ago I bought all different kinds of books about men and women, biology, psychology and sex, for research.

One book I bought is the New Male Sexuality, by Bernie Zilbergeld. It’s aimed at men, and has chapters with loads of really good information about penises and resolving sexual problems, but also has chapters on female bodies, relationships and communication.

I have only skim read it, but it seems really good.

At first, when Andrew brought up the sex not lasting as long as he’d like, I said I didn’t care. However, eventually, I said, “I don’t care about this, but if you want it to last longer, you can borrow my penis book, if you like?”

I gave him the book, but then, he kept being ‘too busy’ to read it, so one Sunday afternoon, when we were lounging around in bed, I read the relevant chapter out loud to him.

It says that the key to longer-lasting sex is ‘ejaculatory control’. Men are not really taught how to develop ejaculatory control, but some men unconsciously pick it up, without even knowing. Unsurprisingly, lots of men don’t.

The two stages of ejaculatory control are:

  • being able to recognise exactly how aroused you are, and how close to orgasm
  • being able to act on it, to make yourself more or less close to orgasm.

It’s a similar process to the one we all go through, when we learn to use the toilet, as children. We have to learn how to notice the urge in our bodies, and recognise what it feels like, so we know when we need the toilet. We then learn how to control the urge, to hold on if we are not near a toilet, or let go when we can.

The book has ten different exercises you can do, to improve both skills. It starts from recommending you masturbate, and keep paying attention to how aroused you are, on a scale were 10 is about to orgasm and 0 is as far from orgasm as you could be. You choose a point in the middle/higher end of the scale, such as 6/10 (not 9, as it’s too close to the point of no return), and every time you reach that point, you stop. You then take some deep breaths until your arousal level decreases, and then carry on. You do this regularly (a few times a week), until you can do it for 15 minutes without coming.

The second exercise is doing the same thing, but instead of stopping when your arousal reaches a certain point, you continue but do movements that are make you feel less aroused.

There are then a range of different exercises, some to do with your partner, some alone, until you can have sex and keep half an eye on your arousal levels, and if you are approaching orgasm more quickly than you like, you change how you are moving (such as slowing down) or even stop for a moment, and avoid doing the things that bring you even closer to orgasm (such as moving in a certain way or touching a certain part of your partner’s body) until you want to come.

Andrew didn’t do the exercises because he was ‘too busy’ (too busy to masturbate?) but since we looked at the book together, the sex has been lasting longer. He says he has been bearing in mind what it says in the book. When he feels closer to coming than he’d like to be, we stop or he slows down.

“That lasted quite long, didn’t it!” He now often says, cheerily, after sex.

“Yeah, we fitted quite a few positions in!”

It’s still probably at the shorter end of the bell curve, and I’m happy with that.

Another problem with ejaculation that some men have is ‘delayed ejaculation’. Sex lasts a really long time, but not because the person has good ejaculatory control. It’s difficult or even impossible for the person to reach orgasm, either because of physical causes (ageing, bladder problems, diabetes) or psychological causes (depression, stress, previous sexual trauma).

This can then become a vicious circle, in which anxiety about not coming makes orgasm even further away.

According to the book, premature ejaculation is easier to treat than delayed ejaculation.

I met up with one of my friends for dinner last week, and we were talking about this. She came out of a long term relationship last year, with someone who took a very long time to come. Even though she does come from penetration, she said it was difficult.

“In four years, he only came inside me about 5 times!”

Having sex for extended periods can lead to soreness. My friend found that, if she slightly changed what she was doing, during sex, (slightly shifting position or doing a different handjob movement) he would get even further away from coming.

If I had to choose, I would definite prefer to be with a quick comer than a slow one (although if you do suffer from delayed ejaculation, there is hope! Talking therapy and medication can help.)

My conversation with this friend also made me conscious of another way in which I’m lucky with Andrew: communication.

While she has come out of a long term relationship with someone who took a long time to orgasm, she is now dating someone who comes very quickly.

“I mean, it’s literally about 25 seconds!” she said.

“Ooh, do you want to lend him my penis book?” I said.

“Oh, no, we can’t talk about it.”

I know Andrew didn’t actually read the book or do the exercises, probably because he was too embarrassed or didn’t want to get stuck into a task that reminds him of his sexual shortcomings. However, he initiated a lot of the conversations we had about it, which meant he was able to be reassured how little it bothered me, and we were able to work on it together.

If we hadn’t been able to talk about it, it would have been so much more difficult for both of us.

One thing I’m conscious of with Andrew, is that our sex life is great currently, but I wonder how long it will last. Every other long term relationship I’ve had has started with a year or so of great sex, but then it has petered out. Usually this has coincided with the onset of major problems in the relationship, but it does also seem to be a normal pattern in relationship development.

Apparently, the neurochemicals that are associated with being in love and infatuated with your partner only last 1-2 years, but are then replaced with different neurochemicals, more associated with feeling calmer and more securely attached to your partner.

At the moment, we have sex every time we see each other, and we talk about sex quite a lot on the phone.

I don’t want it to happen, but my previous relationship experience suggests it’s pretty likely that we will end up with our sexual appetites decreasing. Whereas I currently think Get inside me right now! when we get into bed together, I might end up thinking Fuck sake, I’m trying to read my book, like I have in the past.

I think that sex being quite quick will be helpful for this. If it’s really late and you’re in two minds – partly liking the idea of sex in theory, but also really wanting to go to sleep, it’s less of a dilemma if the sex will be done and dusted pretty quickly.

The other night, various factors meant we didn’t get home and get into bed until about 12.30am, and we both had work in the morning.

We started kissing and being amorous when we got into bed, and Andrew enthusiastically moved down the bed, to give me oral.

“I haven’t got the energy to faff around! Just put it in!” I said.

“The energy? But you don’t have to do anything except lie there and receive pleasure!” Andrew replied.

“I know, but I’ve got to be up early, and I’m probably too tired to come, so I’m keen to crack on.”

“Are you sure you want to have sex?”

“I do! I just also want to be asleep within the next 7 minutes, if possible.”

Andrew was a bit disappointed that he couldn’t do anything for me, but I really enjoyed the efficiency of penetration that we did.

And I was asleep within 10 minutes.


7 thoughts on “How to make sex last longer

  1. I agree, of the two faster is definitely better. I don’t know if you read about my time with Joaquin on my blog? OMG. He would take FOREVER to orgasm. I quite liked him but the 1+ hour of concentrated effort was exhausting. And this was all through masturbation or blow jobs; he couldn’t climax through intercourse.

    And not only did it take a lot of effort, it took very specific effort. Like… it had to be a certain pressure, I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t touch him anywhere except maybe his ass, etc.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I agreed with the whole of the first part of this post as I was reading it. I’ve also been with people (including the ex husband) who sometimes took forever to come from penetration and it often was painful. I also think of the honeymoon phase waning and hope it never does – in my case because we have absences and will always have them due to his kid schedule and work, I hope that brief time apart keeps the excitement and romance alive!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi. Thank for your comment on my blog. I found this post interesting. There are desensitizer sprays that can help a man last longer. If he sprays it on and waits 15 minutes or so, it should enable him to last longer and yet still enjoy the sex. As to the joy of sex disappearing, why?? My Queen and I have been together for 16 years. Our sex is still volcanic and I just can’t get enough of her. With the right partner, there is no reason for desire or enjoyment of sexual to deteriorate. ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

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