“Don’t you want to put your penis inside me whenever you like? within reason?”

Andrew and I are having the most amazing sex. I think it’s the best sex I’ve ever had, but I do always think that, unless it’s clearly terrible. I think a lot of the qualities that make sex good are so abstract and intangible, it’s hard to compare really good sex I had yesterday with really good sex I had 10 years ago.

However, I know I’m currently having sex in which

  • he is much more concerned about my orgasms than his. Even if I’ve already had one or more amazing orgasms, he’ll offer to do more before we concentrate on him. Even if it takes ages or it’s my period. It’s like he enjoys my orgasms as much as I do
  • not only is he generous, he’s very intuitive and responsive to feedback, so he does it exactly how I want
  • which means that these are the most intense orgasms I think I’ve ever had. With some guys, sometimes I’ve had to think about sexy things to nudge me into coming. With him, I don’t really think about anything apart from him and what he’s doing. And then at the end, I completely lose control of my body, like an electric current goes through my spine
  • we seem to like the same things, in sex. I like the man to be mainly kind and gentle, but sometimes a bit bossy or even mean, and he seems into that. I didn’t like some of his favourite positions but now I’ve got really into them. We talk about different sexy scenarios, like me being a naughty criminal and him dealing with me in a police cell, and we both really get off on it.
  • the penetrative bit is really good. It’s really intense and sometimes we make eye contact and feel very connected
  • coming at the same time! I think I’ve only done that once before, with one ex, but we do it all the time and it’s wonderful.

However, one issue we’ve had, is with his cock not playing ball.

It’s only an issue if we use condoms. As soon as we start fannying around, looking in the drawer and getting the condom out of the packet, he thinks Oh my god, last time I lost my erection! Imagine if that happens now! and promptly loses his erection.

Shortly after we met, I did a speech about how it was the patriarchy’s fault that all contraception options are so shit for women, and on principle, I would only be using condoms for the rest of my life.

I really think that many areas of gynaecological medicine have been neglected because they only affect women. I think if men had periods and stomach cramps, treatment for painful periods would be much more advanced. If men had to experience the shit side effects of contraception, I really think contraception would be much more advanced than it is (although I shouldn’t complain, as I’m a product of failed contraception).

There was the recent study of a male contraceptive injection, which got prematurely halted, because of the side effects the men experienced. Which were the same, or even less extensive, than the side effects women experience of existing contraception.

I’ve tried different versions of the combined pill, the progesterone-only pill, the coil and the contraceptive injection and had problems with all of them.

Side effects I’ve had with various contraception are:

  • mood swings
  • pain in my uterus
  • bad skin
  • sore breasts
  • bleeding for weeks and weeks
  • loss of interest in sex

Additionally, it turned out that I should never have been prescribed the combined pill, because I have migraines with aura (neurological disturbances). The combined pill can increase the risk of having a stroke in women with these kinds of migraines.

I know that condoms make men enjoy sex a tiny bit less, but after decades of problems with contraception, I thought Fuck them, I’m fine with men enjoying sex a tiny bit less! Contraception makes me not only enjoy sex less (when it decreases my sex drive) but also makes me enjoy my everyday life less.

Therefore, at first, we both thought we should continue with condoms. I knew that him losing his erection because of anxiety was a problem we could get past. It was psychological rather than physical. I knew it wasn’t a physical problem because if we did it without a condom, it was fine, and sometimes, if he wasn’t worried about it, it was fine with a condom.

I’ve had other boyfriends who had some boner-related anxiety, and we managed to get past it. Also, I had some problems with my vagina clamping shut because of anxiety, the first few times I tried to have sex, but I managed to get past it.

We tried using female condoms, because you can put them in before the sex has started, so there’s no anxiety-provoking, pivotal moment of truth.

I think female condoms are underrated. We quite liked using them. They’re harder to use than a normal condom, because you have to put them inside your vagina a special way, but they’re definitely easier to insert than a menstrual cup.

I already had some female condoms because I got them but never used them, when I was dating the Whippersnapper, because of his herpes. Herpes can be spread even if you use a condom, even though it’s very unlikely, because it’s spread by skin contact. Female condoms offer more protection from herpes and genital warts than normal ones, because they cover more surface of your genitals.

Female condoms helped us to get around his condom erection-loss quite well, but we had two problems. One was that they’re really hard to get hold of. You can’t buy them in a chemist or supermarket like normal condoms. I did see some on Amazon but they’re mainly only available from sexual health clinics.

The other problem was that they only really helped with the boner-related anxiety if the sex was less spontaneous. If we were lying in bed and thinking we would probably have sex soon, I’d put the female condom in. Then, things would gradually heat up, and when it was Penetration Time, the condom was already sorted so he could just pop his penis inside me and we were away.

However, if it was more spontaneous sex, and the condom wasn’t already in, the anxiety-provoking, pivotal moment of truth was even worse than with a normal condom, because the female condom is a bit more complicated to use.

I’d be trying to get into the right position, taking some deep breaths and putting the condom inside me and he’d be waiting expectantly and trying not to lose his erection.

Over a few weeks, I thought more and more about other options. Even if we could get past the Psychological issues with condoms, there was another problem. He said condoms feel physically uncomfortable. He kind of downplayed this, so I didn’t feel like he was just making up reasons not to use them. They don’t seem to fit him very well (which is quite a nice problem to have!) so they feel uncomfortable.

I thought about other options. I got on pretty well with the contraceptive injection. I used it in my 20s for a few years, when I was with Balthazar. I also went on it a couple of years ago, when I was on Roaccutane (skin medication that causes birth defects. They would only prescribe it to me if I used more reliable contraception than condoms, and I had to have a pregnancy test every month before getting the next prescription).

I would have the injection every 12 weeks. At first, I had random bleeding for a few weeks, tender breasts and there would be one day, when the injection was wearing off, when I would feel indescribably sad. However, all of those things went away in time.

I think my sex drive was a bit lower when I was on the injection, but other than that, it worked pretty well for me.

However, one downside of the injection is that it can take a year for your fertility to return to normal.

I decided to try the contraceptive implant instead. It seems pretty similar to the injection, except that once it’s in, that’s it for 3 years, unlike having the injection every 12 weeks. Also, as soon as they take it out, your fertility returns to normal. If I wanted to have a baby in future, I could just get the implant removed.

Another thing that drew me to the implant, was that it might help with my painful periods. On the injection, my periods stopped. It’s a bit less likely with the implant, but a lot of women find their periods stop on the implant. Other women have random spotting or bleeding, but it’s not a normal period and less painful.

I asked Andrew if he thought we should try something else, instead of condoms, and said I’d been thinking about the implant.

Unfortunately, because of my speech about the patriarchy, he said no. He didn’t want me to use any hormonal contraception, because I had previously said I didn’t want to.

We had several conversations in which I said I’d changed my mind – I had been a bit melodramatic when I ruled out ever using anything besides condoms again. I said I actually got on quite well with the injection, and the implant seemed similar.

With my period pains, they used to be fine, as long as I took ibuprofen. Now, they only go away if I take codeine as well. I don’t want to be reliant on codeine, so I think I would even consider getting the implant if I were single.

However, Andrew was convinced I didn’t really want to stop using condoms, and that he just needed to stop losing his erection and get better with condoms.

Eventually, I said to him, “If you could take for granted that I definitely want to get the implant, and you didn’t have to worry about second-guessing whether I really mean it or not, but you just knew I did, would you want me to get the implant so we could stop using condoms?”

He thought about it for a moment, and then said yes.

I made an appointment to get the implant, and texted him saying, “soon you’ll be able to put your penis inside me whenever you like, instead of having to faff around with condoms.”

Annoyingly, on the morning I was due to go to the sexual health clinic, he said, “actually, I don’t think you should go. I think I should try harder with condoms first.”

I told him he was being excessively chivalrous and it was too late. I had mentally prepared myself, and didn’t want to waste the NHS’s time by cancelling at short notice.

I said I was keen for my painful periods to get better.

“And don’t you want to be able to just put your penis inside me whenever you like? Within reason?”

We had a bit of a stand-off about it, and then I told him I had thought I was pregnant for a moment, the week before, because my period was taking a while to come, and we’d been so lax about contraception.

He went white and stopped trying to talk me out of it.

I went to the appointment. I had a good chat with the doctor, and had some STI tests while I was there, but it turned out they couldn’t fit the implant there and then.

I went back to the clinic a few days later, for the implant to be fitted. A nice nurse had talked me through the procedure.

The implant is a tiny plastic rod, about the length of a hair grip. It’s put inside your upper arm, and slowly releases progesterone into your blood stream.

I lay on the couch, and first step was for the nurse to inject my arm with a local anaesthetic. I don’t mind injections, but this was really fucking painful. It wasn’t the needle going in that hurt, it was the liquid that fucking stung after it went in. I winced and grimaced until it stopped hurting.

The nurse was nice, but kept bringing up topics of conversation that stressed me out. I said I work in mental health, and she started telling me about a suicidal man she had seen on TV the night before.

I’m really not in the mood for suicide, I thought, trying to be polite, while my arm stang.

Then we talked about having anaesthetic injections at the dentist, which I admit, I brought up, but then instantly regretted, I hate thinking about going to the dentist.

She waited a while for the anaesthetic to kick in, then tested my arm to check it was numb. One bit was, but another bit wasn’t, so we waited a bit longer and she rubbed the area to try and move the anaesthetic around.

Then, she inserted the implant under my skin. That was quite quick and easy, I think.

She put a dressing over the implant, and then wrapped a bandage around it, to reduce the bruising.

She said it was over and I could get up when I was ready, but I realised there was no way I was going to be able to stand up.

My blood pressure must have really dropped. Medical procedures make me really anxious.

She said it was fine, and there was no rush. She got me some water and said I could wait until I felt better and able to stand up.

Eventually, I got the bus home, feeling shaky.

The bandage around my arm was surprisingly tight and uncomfortable. I had to keep that on until the morning. There was a dressing underneath that, which I had to keep on for 3 days, and avoid getting it wet.

When I had a shower the next day, I tried to keep the dressing dry, but managed to get it soaked within about 3 seconds of getting in the shower. I peeled it off and put a normal, big plaster over it.

My arm felt very bruised and tender, for about a week. Sometimes it felt like a muscular ache, like I’d lifted something too heavy.

To be honest, getting the implant has been more of an ordeal than I expected, and it hurt for longer than I expected.

I also found that, even though I think I’m very sex-positive, there was something about having visible signs of a medical procedure on my body, that was purely for sex, that felt a bit shameful.

I didn’t feel this consciously, because it’s clearly nonsense, but when people could see my arm and the dressing, or the marks, or even when I was on my own and my arm felt sore, I think I felt a bit more embarrassed than I would if the implant was for something unrelated to sex.

I had some mild headaches that week, which can be a temporary side effect of the implant. One side effect I was worried about, was that it would make my skin worse, but that hasn’t happened so far.

I don’t think it has affected my mood. I have felt emotional, but I think it was because of the birthday of my dead ex-boyfriend, and since that has passed, my mood has been OK.

My breasts are bigger already, which I’m totally on board with. I love it when Andrew and I are cuddling in bed, and he nestles his face into my breasts, and I feel like I’m a giant sow and he’s a little piglet.

I have been bleeding for the past week, which is a pain. I don’t have any cramps or anything, and it’s much lighter than a period, but I hope it won’t go on forever. One contraceptive pill gave me a 7 week period, and I’m not up for that.

The best thing about the implant, so far, is the stress-free sex.

Now we can have sex with no condom-related boner-anxiety, it’s better than ever. Having sex without a condom makes me feel even closer to him, and now he really can just put it in whenever he likes.

Within reason.

10 thoughts on ““Don’t you want to put your penis inside me whenever you like? within reason?”

  1. I’m so glad you found a great alternative to condoms! I haven’t. :-/

    I’m sensitive to hormones and tried the non-hormonal IUD for a couple years but ultimately couldn’t handle the super heavy, super long periods. When I’m not in an exclusive relationship, I use condoms but when I am, I use the withdrawal method. It’s risky but at my age a viable pregnancy isn’t likely anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. So interesting reading your experiences. I am going through similar problems about what to use and even looked at the male pill, at my beloved’s suggestion. I decided against the implant (not because of the internet horror stories – though they did scare me) but because my doc felt that I had a higher than average risk of bleeding non-stop, which is something I will not tolerate. It’s bad enough having to cope with period again after 7 years without them due to taking the OCP back to back – but I can’t do that now as I am on a very low dose non-combined pill. Sadly, it’s not a reliable contraceptive, but Lauren’s point applies to me too. My doc says it’s an infinitesimal risk, though I’d be happier if it was a zero! Love to know how it’s panning out as time goes on.

    Liked by 1 person

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