“Ooooh, boyfriend? I don’t think we’re there yet!”

I’ve had 12 dates with Andrew now, but we still haven’t talked about whether we’re officially boyfriend or girlfriend yet. Are we still seeing each other people? Has the term ‘relationship’ has been officially sanctioned? Who knows.

Our last couple of dates, in the last post, were pretty good, with some mild World Cup/logistical hiccups.

Then our 10th date was just completely lovely. It was a Saturday, and in the morning, I had been to the Tate Modern with my Dad, who had come to London for the protest against Trump, the day before. Then, my Dad got his train back to the Lake District, and then I met Andrew in the BFI bar, on the South Bank.

I love that bar. He had never been there before, but said he really liked it too.

We had a several drinks together, and stayed there for a few hours. It often feels like time goes twice as fast when I’m with him, particularly that day.

We talked about all kinds of things – serious things (abortion), personal things (our past), and fun things (comparing our handwriting).

It was the first day of my period, and I spent ages showing him the app I use to record my menstrual cycle (Clue), which he looked at with absolute fascination.

We were talking about whether we could have sex without a condom, as it was my period. I showed him that, over the last few years, there had been a couple of times I was technically fertile on the last day of my period, so we couldn’t assume Period = safe. However, if there’s one day of my cycle that is the most safe, it’s day 1 of my period, so yes, he could fuck me without a condom when we got home.

We talked about the fact it was our 10th date. I said that if we made it as far as an 11th, that would be most dates I’ve had, since starting dating. (I had 10 with the Whippersnapper.)

We talked a bit about Andrew’s past relationships, and he said, “it feels like we’ve come a long way, in a short time.”

Eventually, we decided to get ready meals from Marks and Spencer, to eat at mine, and went home and had frozen lasagne and amazing sex.

The 11th and 12th dates were really good, but I’ll write about them in a separate post.

In some ways, I feel pretty comfortable as it is, and feel less compelled to have The Relationship Chat than usual, at this stage.

My gut instinct is that he’s not seeing anyone else, and there are lots of subtle things that make me think we’re on the same page and like each other the same amount.

On our second date, he asked me what I was looking for. After protesting that he couldn’t ask me that so early, I said, “I guess I’m looking for a nice normal relationship. I like being independent and doing things on my own, but I do like being in a relationship. The times when I do wish I had someone are when I want someone to hold the ladder when I’m putting things in the loft, and when I’ve just paid on the M6 Toll motorway and I wish there was someone else in the car to put my card back in my purse, and then put my purse back in my bag. Because I always drive through really fast, because I’m worried the barrier will come crashing back down and cut my car in half, but then when I stop after the barrier and faff around in my handbag, the next car always pips their horn at me.”

He said, “I guess I’m looking for a ‘nice normal relationship’ as well.”

Whereas I’d spent most of my adult life in long term relationships, until 2 years ago, he’d had some relationships but spent most of his life alone.

It can be a lovely thing, when you have The Chat, and it just clarifies that you were both in the same place. When it’s like, “Of course I’m not seeing anyone else!” and, “Wow, OK, so you’re now my official boyfriend!”

But if you’re not in the same place, it could be horrible.

“Ooooh, boyfriend? I don’t think we’re there yet?”

Or, “Shit, is that what you thought this was?”

I think if two people were travelling towards relationship territory at different speeds, the later the Chat, the more likely it is that the slower person has caught up with the faster person.

And it seems like the consequences of having the chat late (when both people thought for ages that it was a relationship anyway) are much better than the consequences of having the chat too early (when one person winces, and both people go home in tears).

The only problem with having the Chat late, would be if you were not on the same page at all, but hadn’t realised, and ended up investing more into it because it took so long to realise.

This is probably the longest I’ve gone without having the Chat.

  • With the Alcoholic Twin, when I was 16, we had been close friends for a long time, so we didn’t date first. We went straight from friendship to relationship
  • I went out with a drug-dealer when I was 16, and he referred to himself as my boyfriend, and introduced me to someone as his girlfriend after only a few dates, which I was thrilled about, and then we had The Chat to confirm it (although afterwards, he denied that we’d been together)
  • with Rob, when I was 17, about a week after we met, he initiated the Chat, and that was that, for 5 years
  • when I was with 22, with the Accountant, shortly after breaking up with Rob, I said I definitely didn’t want a relationship, then fell in love with him and it was complete disaster.
  • at 23, with Balthazar, we were work friends first. Very shortly after we got together, I clarified the terms and conditions and it hadn’t even occurred to him that we might still be dating other people, which neither of us were
  • at 29, with Matthew, again, very shortly after we got together (after briefly being friends), he confirmed he thought it was a relationship and we agreed we weren’t seeing other people
  • with the Whippersnapper, on our 7th date we agreed we weren’t seeing anyone else, but we never reached Relationship Status.

When Relationship Statuses on Facebook were a bit more of a thing, I found it quite a useful way initiating the conversation. Pretending to be ironic and kind of taking the piss out of social media, I’d say “haha should we change our Relationship Statuses on Facebook? HAHAHA LOL obviously I’m joking!!! But actually while we’re on this, what is our relationship status?”

So I’ve been holding off on bringing it up.

But on the other hand, I’m so anxious about not accidentally referring to commitment and putting him off, it might be nice to straighten things out.

For example, the other day, we were talking about animals. I asked what pets he had as a child, and he said he had a gerbil called Nibbles.

I said, “Do you want to get a cat one day?” Then I hastily added, “Not with me! Just like a general cat.”

Another time, we were lying in bed after spending ages chatting and having sex.

“Can I interest you in some more sex?” I said, turning onto my side and opening my dressing gown provocatively.

“I don’t know if I’ve got the energy. I feel like I’m about 50!” He said.

“You can still fuck me when you’re 50.” I replied.

I meant it as a complimentary ‘you’ll still be fit when you’re 50’, but then I worried he thought I meant ‘we’ll still be together when we’re 50. You’re locked in now!’

I considered doing a whole “I mean, if I’m still single when I’m 50, you can still fuck me, because this definitely isn’t a relationship, no siree” but I thought it might make things worse.

I was really ill this week, and I really wanted him to come and look after me (I’m writing a separate blog post about this) but I wasn’t sure if it was outside of his job description as a Man I’m Only Really Officially Dating.

One night, I accidentally called him my boyfriend, then hastily backtracked.

Andrew seems to have a real bee in his bonnet about having sex in places where we could get caught. At the moment, we still find two minutes of missionary in our own beds extremely exciting, but we do talk about all different sexual things we might do in future.

I’m not 100% convinced we would really have sex somewhere risky if it came to the crunch. I find it hilarious because he’s a police officer. I asked what would happen if he got arrested for having sex in public and he said he would lose his job. I wonder if it appeals to him exactly because it’s against the law.

Anyway, on our 9th date we had been talking about risky places we could have sex, in theory. I had mentioned a doctors’ surgery where I work, and we had imagined him coming to see me after I’d finished with all my real patients, and basically having sex in my office.

The next day, I was in that office and sent him a photo of it, saying “I thought you might be interested to see my office.”

I think the chance of us actually having sex there is less than 1%, because I’d be so worried about getting caught and, really, I think it would be too unprofessional, but it was fun to imagine.

That night, we were speaking on the phone about my office.

I said “really, as you can see in the photo, it wouldn’t be a very good place because there’s a window that looks out into the corridor. There is a blind, but you can kind of see through it.”

“Can you get them to change the blind?” He asked.

“Well, I’ve been trying to get the air conditioning fixed for about 6 months, so I don’t think so. I can’t exactly be like ‘also can you replace the blind so I can fuck my boyfriend in my office…’ I mean OBVIOUSLY NOT BOYFRIEND because we haven’t had that conversation yet, but anyway, I don’t think they’d do it…”

Neither of us mentioned boyfriendgate, and the conversation moved on to something else. I didn’t get to find out what his reaction was, because I just carried on talking for ages and it was on the phone, so I couldn’t see his face or anything.

Also, when we got the train back to mine after our 10th date, we joked about having sex on the train.

As we stepped onto the platform, he said “if those women hadn’t been sitting opposite, I would have put my fingers inside you.”

“Well, you would’ve dislodged my menstrual cup if you did,” I said.

“Oh no! I would’ve been like ‘sorry, my girlfriend is unwell’.”

We stood on the platform, for a moment, with the word ‘girlfriend’ hanging heavily in the air. I gave him a hug and a kiss, and then we left the station.

Other relationshippy things that have happened:

  • him texting me, asking if I could get him some contact lens solution as he had run out but was at work. It felt like more of a relationship thing than a dating thing to ask
  • him telling me he urgently needed some socks and me offering to go and buy them as I had time and wanted to nip to H&M anyway
  • him saying things like “this is good, because in other relationships, I found that…
  • showing him my period app for ages

The amount of effort he puts in, keeping in touch and seeing me, makes it seem like he thinks this is definitely something. I don’t think he’d have time to be seeing anyone else. We talk on the phone most days, for like an hour, and go into loads of detail about what we’ve been doing, so I’m not sure what he’d say if he was seeing someone else.

He hasn’t seemed squeamish about arranging the next date each time, or saying things like “I like you” and “I’m happy because I’m with you”, so that makes me think he’d respond positively to a conversation about whether it’s a relationship.

Whenever I’ve said, “So, this is 10th date!” or whatever, he has beamed and then kissed me.

On the other hand, he hasn’t brought it up himself. He has said that he’s quite a bit less experienced than me at dating, so it might be that he hasn’t realised it’s an Official Process in the UN Dating Convention. (He’s had two relationships that lasted 2-3 years, and one of them was with someone he’d been friends with for a long time, so that would have been a different conversation.)

But it could be because he’s scared of commitment or something.

I nearly brought it up a couple of nights ago; a guy I sort of had a thing with in 2012 texted me, saying he might be in London next week, and did I want to meet up?

I mentioned this to Andrew, saying “I hope that’s OK?”

And he said, “Of course, I’d never want to stop you seeing someone.”

I was about to say, “obviously, I’ll tell him about you, so it’s clear. But how shall I phrase it to him? Like ‘I’m dating someone’ or ‘I have a boyfriend’, or what do you think?”

But then I never got the chance. I had just said that this guy used to live on the Isle of Wight, and then Andrew just started talking about his friend from the Isle of Wight and whether they might know each other.

I suppose if I bring it up and it does go wrong, I can just do a Donald Trump and say “oh, I misspoke… I mean, I would’ve thought it was obvious actually! But just in case it needs to be clarified… obviously I meant ‘I don’t see any reason why I would be your girlfriend,’ not ‘wouldn’t…’ sort of a double negative…’ hey! What happened to the lights?!”

8 thoughts on ““Ooooh, boyfriend? I don’t think we’re there yet!”

  1. I use an app to track my period, too! Although I don’t use Clue.

    I am thrilled that things are going so well with Andrew. I understand your hesitation to have a DTR chat, though. It’s such a delicate issue. However, it sounds like he’s on the same page. Maybe he’s waiting for you to bring it up….?

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m not a big fan of over-thinking and ruminating on possible/probable outcomes for too long- such a waste of energy. Just ask him over a cuppa- 12 dates is a lot! And it’s good practice between you both to see how you deal with slightly awkward issues… go on, speak up, I dare ya 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Love this post! (I feel like I’m always saying that). I like it so much I am bookmarking it because I’m going through the same thing and will be doing more of that in future. I also like G’s advice! My gut is telling me that he already thinks the same as you and you should just get it out in the open. However, you already know to make your own decisions 😉


  4. Pingback: What I really want is not to die alone. Or a gift voucher. | Dater Analysis

  5. Pingback: How I came to start 2013 by giving Alex a blowjob in a cupboard | Dater Analysis

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s