7th July 2006: “We had a broken condom incident!”

This is an email I sent my friend, when she was travelling in Australia. It seems like I had quite a relaxed attitude to capital letters back then.

I had been to Australia a year earlier, to visit my brother, who is a nurse in Sydney.

In my final term at University, I had broken up with my long-term boyfriend of 5 years. I then promptly met a nice young man in a club, and started dating him (known here as The Accountant as he was doing an internship with an Accounting Firm). I had initially not wanted a relationship with him as I wanted to sow my wild oats, but developed feelings for him quite quickly.

I then went to stay with him, after Uni ended, and came clean about a few oats that slipped under the radar, after I met him but before we were exclusive, as I had wanted to be completely honest with him. This went quite badly. 

(The ‘Smart Cas. period’ was in-joke I had with my friends. After coming out of a long-term relationship which had started when I was 17, I said “I really want to have a lot of…” 

“…casual sex?” one of my housemates said. 

I said, “Not casual sex, but… Smart Cas.”)


hope you’re having a good time! are you in australia now?

what was dubai like, are you glad you went?

oooh I’m remembering being in sydney now!
have you heard elizabeth bay, that’s where my brother lives, well elizabeth bay is really posh and he isn’t very posh so he lives sort of between elizabeth bay and king’s cross (which is NOT AT ALL POSH! we always got the train from there and had to walk past lots of brothels and prostitutes, but there are quotes and things written on plaques on the ground, which I quite liked).

ooh and those ferries with green tickets. have you been to Taronga Zoo? it’s really good!

and lunar park, this fair ground type place and the gate on the way in is a big face and you walk through the mouth. I felt really sick after we’d been there cos of all the rides that spin you round and my lunch whizzing round in my stomach, and we came back and were supposed to be going out that evening but my brother gave me this anti-sickness pill which I think is supposed to be for people having chemotherapy really, and I fell straight asleep and they couldn’t wake me up!

I was happy really, when I woke up I just ate toast and watched the Ashes on the sofa instead of having to talk to annoying australian nurses and drink cider which is too cold! (they always slag us off for having warm beer but I think theirs is too cold!)

I wonder if we’ve done any of the same things and been to any of the same places! were you jet lagged or did going to dubai help? it took us about 3 days to stop suddenly wanting to go to bed at 4pm.

I’ll try not to write 1500 words of details of “and then The Accountant said and I paused for a minute and then I said…”, especially cos it seems really self-involved and petty to twitter on about what’s been going on here when you’re on a huge big adventure! (except I’ve already twittered on about stuff I did in sydney for quite a while!)

although I will tell you some petty self-involved details cos otherwise I wouldn’t be me!

ooh have you seen we’ve got 17 members in our Facebook group now!!

I went to see The Accountant at his house in Chesterfield last week! only for one night cos there was only one night when we were both free (it’s so annoying, whenever one of us is free the other is always busy!).

I went on the train and he met me at the station, and he’d been in scotland with his friends for a few days, and they went fishing one day and he was bored so he carved me a little ladybird out of a piece of wood he found lying around! and he bought me a toy loch ness monster as well!

We went to his house and I met his Dad, his mum wasn’t there cos she was on a school trip cos she’s a teacher. his dad was very nice! anyway we had quite a nice time. had it’s ups and downs though! we (too much information alert) had a broken condom incident though! It’s the 5th time that’s happened to me now! I’m starting to wonder if somehow something sharp like a set of keys or something has got left up there and that’s why condoms always seem to break!

so the next morning I had to get the morning after pill and he lives in the tiniest village in the world so when I walked into the waiting room the receptionist immediately knew who i was and said “oh are you Dater Analysis?” but they didn’t throw rocks at me for having premarital sex so that was a relief.

and bloody hell, I know I’m not as happy-go-lucky and on the ball first thing in the morning as I am the rest of the time, but The Accountant is as bad as me times 100!

I woke up at about 8am and woke him up and said “Accountant, can you ring up the doctors cos we need to get this morning after pill sorted as soon as possible cos it’s more effective in the first 12 hours”

and he said “yeah” and went back to sleep, so I waited for a few minutes, hoping he’d spring into life all of a sudden, but he didn’t so I woke him up again and said “Accountant is it ok you phone the doctors soon?” and he said “yeah ok” and then went back to sleep, and after this pattern had repeated itself a few times, I was calm on the outside but on the inside I was thinking “OH MY GOD ACCOUNTANT GO AND PHONE THE DOCTORS! DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO BE A FATHER!!!”

eventually he did, but my word.

anyway the other reasonably noteworthy thing that happened was after the condom breakage I was feeling really sad cos I’m terrified of getting pregnant and also it always makes me feel really filthy and not in a good way, and he was giving me a hug and trying to comfort me and he said “I love you”!

I mean I’m 80% sure that’s what he said, he said it quite quietly, but it was followed by “I’m really falling for you” so I think it probably was I love you, cos nothing really rhymes with that and would be followed by ‘I’m really falling for you.’

so we were having a really nice moment and I felt so close to him, I thought “I’m don’t want us to have secrets so I told him about those guys from the Smart Cas. period. I don’t know what reaction I was expecting but he was NOT impressed.

He asked a few questions like how many, and when were they, and I told him and then he kept asking when it was in relation to things we’d done together, like “was it before we went to snobs?” and I was said “no it was after” and he said “after!” and “was it before my last exam?” and I said “no, after” and he was like “after!!”

and then he went into the bathroom and was in there for years and i was just sitting in his bedroom thinking “fucckkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!” biting my hand then he came out (sorry this is getting a bit “then he said then I said” just skim it if it’s getting boring) and said really coldly “I just think it’s really unfair cos it’s like 11.30pm and we’re at my house and there’s nowhere to go”

and I don’t know if he meant Nowhere for him to go or nowhere for me to go, so I curled up in a ball. then I explained really frantically and incoherently that I had told him from the start I hadn’t wanted a relationship, and when I’d realised he thought we were in more of a relationship than I did I told him I wanted us to be able to do things with other people, and I hated doing things with other people cos I just wished they were him

(although he wondered if I hated it so much, why I did it 3 times!

which is a fair point. i just wanted to check it wasn’t just cos the 1st 2 were duds!) and he started being really nice to me again, and then I pointed out that i had told him myself and that was cos I didn’t want to ever lie to him or have secrets from him and then I said I was falling in love with him and things started getting better again.

so anyway the trip was quite successful even though we had some low points.

but (this next section is gonna be even more boring than the rest) he hasn’t texted me that much and I keep thinking “is this really gonna work” cos we live so far apart and if we were texting each other as much as we did before, when I was revising and we hadn’t been on our first date yet and we were texting each other constantly, that would be really cool cos I’d miss him but in an excited about seeing him again kind of way, but since I got back last week I didn’t hear from him at all for a couple of days so I phoned him, which is against all my principles, but I thought maybe his pride had taken a knock after hearing what I’d been up to, so I thought I’d phone him just this once, and it was ok but I don’t know if he was that pleased to hear from me, cos he said “so why did you phone?” like in a friendly way but I’d just phoned for a chat and then I felt like a knob for not having a proper reason for phoning.

then he got a bit more texty on sunday but then he went off to this country manor somewhere near london for a week to train to be an intern for PriceWaterhouseCooper (someone DOES respond to those annoying emails from the careers service after all) and I haven’t heard from him at all!

it’s really rubbish cos although I’m not as depressed about uni being over as I was expecting I’m still sad sometimes, especially cos Leona’s in prague and you’re all the way in australia, and my friends from home are being a little bit rubbish and it’s SO FUCKING ANNOYING when people say “what are you going to do now you’ve graduated?” and I’m like “I don’t fucking know piss off”, ESPECIALLY I’ve had TWO people at work ask me if I’ve got a job yet and I’m like “YES! A CARE ASSISTANT! LOOK AT MY UNIFORM!” and if I had some jolly texts from young Accountant it would cheer my right up but hearing nothing just makes the other stuff 100 times worse.

hopefully it’ll just be that those first few days he was a bit standoffish cos he was getting his head round the smart cas. thing and now he can’t text from his country manor cos of no signal or no charger or something, but he might be coming to stay this weekend so I’ve had my legs waxed and changed some of my shifts and cleaned all the limescale off the side of the fishtank and taken down all the pictures of Rob, but I don’t even know if he’s coming yet!

anyway better go and get ready for work this afternoon! heck just done a word count and it’s a new record! 1781 words (plus these extra ones)! I’m expecting an even longer one from you cos you’re on the other side of the world and have done more interesting things than me! sorry if this is boring!

Dater Analysis”

4 thoughts on “7th July 2006: “We had a broken condom incident!”

  1. I love the term “smart cas” in reference to sex. It gives me the impression of casual sex with some style and finesse!

    What did “snobs” refer to? There was a notorious nightclub in Birmingham called Snobs where many formative experiences happened for many students! Just wondered if it was the same thing…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh wow that really brings back some memories for me as we used to have a lot of our sixth form parties there. I also had my first kiss there with the most devastatingly beautiful boy from my sixth form who I had admired from afar for ages. He wasn’t interested after that, but on the night it genuinely felt like some sort of miracle had occurred in Snobs!

    Liked by 1 person

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