Thanks for reminding me you’re a massive prick

I’ve been really struggling recently, with missing the Great Scot.

I feel about 5% heartbroken by him. I like him so much and I feel hurt we haven’t ended up being friends. He has rejected my friendship.

I wonder if partly, I’m pining for him more right now, because I’ve just moved house. Everything is unfamiliar and new, and maybe I’m craving the familiarity and comfort of the last guy I really liked. I think last time I moved, when I moved in with Flatmate Joe, my heartache for the Whippersnapper cranked up a notch for the same reason.

Only this time, I’ve gone from having a lovely, chatty flatmate to spending more time alone, so I have even more time to think about the Great Scot and miss him.

I’ve been on dates with other guys, and thought I’d be having so much of a better time if I was with the Great Scot instead.

I’ve even had sex and been distracted by him, peeping around the corner into my subconscious mind.

I chatted to a couple of friends, who both thought I should send him one more message.

(The last thing that happened was I suggested meeting up, twice, and he said no. I said “let me know when you want to meet up. I miss seeing you.” He hasn’t replied, and about 3 weeks have gone by.)

One friend suggested I just send a friendly message. The rationale was that in a normal friendship, sometimes we can take ages to reply to texts, and it doesn’t mean anything bad about our friendship. I have one friend in particular who I take a really long time to reply to, because we write each other really long, thoughtful messages about our feelings. I often think I’ll wait until I have time to write a really good reply rather than banging out something quick.

With my normal friends, I’ll think nothing of double-texting – sending one message and then sending another, even if they haven’t replied to the last one. When my friends double-text me, I either think Right! Yes, I hadn’t replied yet! Or I’m just happy to hear from them again.

I also know he’s likely to be depressed at the moment, and that can make someone less likely to text their friends, but more likely that your message means a lot to them.

The other friend suggested something different – I put my cards on the table and tell him how I feel.

The rationale for this was that my friend thinks he is ignoring me because he likes me, and that being in touch as just friends makes him sad, because he wants more.

The evidence for this is that when we were dating, he really did seem to like me (he made a lot of effort, travelled a long way to see me for a short time, told me he likes me and gave such a lovely answer when I asked him what he likes about me). Also, he apparently had a really bad day, the day after we met up as friends.

My friend Ruth thought maybe if he knew how much I still like him, he’d be more open to keeping in touch.

This weekend I ended up doing both.

On our first date, he had brought me some Neighbours stickers. The other day, I was unpacking a box labelled “diaries and tapes” and found a Neighbours sticker album from 1994.

I had mentioned this album to him on our first date, and he had been really interested and said he wanted to see it, as he had only been able to find ones from the 80s on eBay.

So, I sent him a photo of it, saying “look what I found.”

A few weeks ago, I had deleted his number from my phone, to stop me making a tit of myself.

However, I remembered we had phoned each other in the past. I found his number in my call log, put him back in my phone book and texted him the Neighbours photo.

He didn’t reply. After a day and half I felt upset.

Then I thought Fuck it, I’ve got nothing to lose now. So I took my other friend’s advice and told him I feel. I sent him this:

“I don’t know why you’re not talking to me at the moment but I’m really sad about it.

“I really badly wanted us to be friends because I think you’re brilliant.

“Whatever it is that’s making you not want to talk to me – if that ever changes back, pleease get back in touch.

“Don’t ever think you’ve left it too long or that it’ll be too awkward. There is no too late or too awkward with me. I will always be thrilled to hear from you. It was always easy with you.

“I feel like I’ve made a massive tit of myself with you and I am embarrassed but I don’t care as I think life is too short to lose good people for fear of saving face.

“While I’m putting my cards on the table, when we met up as friends I still fancied you like mad. When we smiled at each other in the lift at Goodge Street it gave me serious gynaecological fluttering.

“If we were friends I hoped I would be able to put my feelings for you to one side, which I’m OK at doing.

“Or that further down the line maybe we’d get together.

“More than anything I just hope you’re OK and safe.”

I kind of assumed he wouldn’t reply for a while, then maybe I’d get something quite good and heartfelt after a long time.

I was wrong.

A couple of hours later, he sent me this:

“All good. Just been busy. Hope you’re good. Happy Jesus day.” (Because it was Easter Sunday.)

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!

What the ACTUAL FUCK is that?!?!

That’s your response to what I sent?

I showed it to a friend last night, and she said “your message is funny, it’s caring, it’s loving. He’s just sent a few crap words. Forget him!”

I can’t believe he didn’t apologise for ignoring me and making me feel sad. If I was him, receiving that message, my first thought would be oh no, I can’t believe I made them sad! I must fix that!

His message was so achingly inadequate, it made me wonder if there’s something wrong with his ability to communicate with other humans.

But it also felt like a relief. I felt like Oh yes! That’s why we’re not dating anymore! Thanks for reminding me!

Now I need to get over him.

I need to reuse a technique I thought of, when I was struggling to get over the Whippersnapper.

(The brilliant thing about being 5% heartbroken by the Scot, is that it reminds me how bad I felt for like a year, about the WS, and I keep thinking Thank CHRIST I don’t still feel like THAT!)

I have a classic head/heart divide. I know logically, it’s good that I’m not with the Great Scot. I know lots of facts about why it wouldn’t be good to be his girlfriend.

He was quite selfish and self-absorbed, and he didn’t seem very good at managing his emotions.

I know he was going through a horrible time at work, and that can be so awful. He sent me loads of messages about how depressed he was, and I sent reams of supportive messages back.

Then, on the anniversary of my ex-boyfriend’s death, I sent him one message saying “I’m meeting some of his friends for a drink tonight. I’m a bit nervous in case they blame me for his death, like his family did.”

It took him nearly a day to send one sentence back “hope it goes OK.” I found that disappointing, after all the support I’d given him. If he’d just rustled up a second sentence like “I’m sure they don’t blame you” I would’ve felt better about the cheery essays I’d sent him.

I know all the good reasons I ended things are still true.

But my heart doesn’t feel it. My heart just wants to be near him and hold him and kiss him and have amazing sex with him again.

My heart keeps saying the Scot is better! when I’m on dates with other men.

My heart keeps showing me videos of the brilliant moments from our dates.

The problem is that my heart feels more convincing. It’s not because the content of what my heart is saying is correct, it’s the format.

My head is printing out facts in Times New Roman. My head is surprised I don’t want to read 70 page reports about how the Great Scot’s attributes don’t comply with my boyfriend guideline policy documents.

My heart is giving me surround sound, IMAX, high definition memories and fantasies. When I remember lovely moments with the Scot, or imagine what our future would have been like, it’s visceral, multisensory and all-encompassing.

Brain scans show that some parts of our brains can’t tell the difference between things we’re imagining and things we’re experiencing.

Of course my heart is winning. I want him back in my bed, pronouncing the H’s in ‘when’ and ‘where’, in his lovely Scottish accent.

I need to get my head and my heart speaking the same language.

It’s just like when the computer programme I was using at work last week had a bug in it. If I just said “computer, please stop crashing”, my computer wouldn’t listen. Someone needed to write an update in JavaScript or whatever, and send the update to my computer.

I need to send some updates to my heart. But I need to translate my head’s policy reports into Heart-JavaScript.

My heart is talking to me in images. I need to talk back in images.

So, for everything I know about why I didn’t want him to be my boyfriend, I need to put it into images.

I know he was self-absorbed and not supportive enough. I expect when he’s not going through a shit time at work and not suffering from depression, he’s better. But life is hard and if we had been together, we would have gone through all kinds of shit times.

Imagine if we had a poorly baby in hospital, and he was self-absorbed and didn’t support me.

So I’ve created an image of that, to help my heart to understand. I’ve pictured myself in a hospital corridor crying, not being supported.

His problems with sleep already came between us, even the second and third times we slept in the same bed. Insomnia is horrible, but his attitudes to sleep and inability to manage his emotions would be really difficult to put up with.

Imagine if we had a baby together. How would he cope with the sleepless nights?

I created an image of me having to do absolutely everything, every night feed, because of his preoccupation with sleep. In the image I’m exhausted and resentful and frustrated.

One of the final things that happened before we stopped dating was that Valentines Day came and went, and he didn’t suggest we do anything or see each other, and he didn’t even say Happy Valentines Day.

I do think Valentines Day is commercial nonsense, but it’s commercial nonsense I kind of want to be involved in.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago, and he didn’t say Happy Birthday, even though I’m sure he would’ve seen it on Facebook.

So I’ve created an image of us in a few years, with me hoping to get a card or something, and being really disappointed when he hasn’t bothered.

He was absolutely outstanding in bed. I’m so gutted I won’t get to shag him again. My heart loves reminding me how good the sex was.

However, on our 6th date, he just wasn’t up for sex as he felt too stressed. I wouldn’t be that surprised if that was a regular occurrence. I think he might not have had that high a sex drive.

So I created an image, to counter the heart-porn, of us in a few years, in bed together, him rejecting me and me, in a sexy nightdress from Marks and Spencer, saying “pleeease, we haven’t had sex in years.”

Also, I love kissing for the sake of kissing, not just as a precursor to sex. But I got the impression that he wasn’t that interested in kissing if he didn’t want to have sex. So I’ve added that into the image as well.

Every time my heart tries to tell me I want him, I’m going to create an image to reflect a fact I know about our relationship and why it wouldn’t have worked.

Hopefully, once all my updates have been installed, I can look forward to a love life with much better performance, stability and security.

27 thoughts on “Thanks for reminding me you’re a massive prick

  1. Once a man moves on they wash their hands from all emotional attachment, your pain is not their business. They can’t be cajoled, sweet-talked, guilted or manipulated to comfort or keep in touch, in fact, they resent the asking, see it as a ploy to leave the door ajar when they want it locked. There’s no sugarcoating it, and it would be cruel to give false hope: His reply was cutting AF- he wants nothing to do with it. That sucks, DA. Don’t look for anything from him, there’s nothing to analyze from his reply, he has checked out and wants to be left alone. At some point something happened and he changed his mind, he has made it clear as day. I’m sorry you’re the one left with the bag to sort throughXO Life is an ongoing series of decisions. Decisions made by the head: make yours- the heart is deceitful as shit.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. On several occasions I have sent that ‘just one more’ message hoping for the magic response. And every time it’s the response or often lack thereof which has reminded me why I am not with that person, or rather, why they chose not to be with me. But sometimes you want to stick your neck out just one more time in case you misinterpreted the last response. At least you can say you tried.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. God, that sucks! I’m actually pretty pissed at Great Scot. WTF?!

    But I did love the parts about why it’s so hard for the brain to catch up with the heart. The lack of visual images makes a lot of sense! It’s completely brilliant. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Have you seen that movie ‘He’s just not that into you’? Watch it now. Then watch it again every time you want to text an ex. It’s simple: if a man is emotionally-capable of wanting you, and being a good match for you, he will seek you out. If he doesn’t, it’s HIS LOSS. Stop doing emotional labour for men; stop wasting your fucken time; live YOUR life with your friends and your creativity, and focus on YOU. If you have a partner, it is of course totally appropriate to work through problems together, but he is not that, and doesn’t deserve to be! Let go. And i’m just going to say this one more time for the younger women out there: stop doing emotional labour for men; it’s not your responsibility, it’s their job.

    *cranky old lady rant over, and feels so good to get it out : ) xO G

    Liked by 4 people

  5. I have had to do the same things with ex-bf/bff. I love him but we are not right together. He would drive me crazy long term. The more I remind myself of the things I don’t like about him as a partner,, the happier I am with him as just a friend. Sorry you and the Scot cannot even be friends but, at this time, it is not possible. You deserve better

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This was a super good post all up, especially the self talk and analysis. You persuaded me that’s for sure! His message is just so rubbish. To be honest, I’ve just had a similarly unimpressive one from E, and now I am extremely cross and re-thinking everything. You’re so good at working through this crap, so keep on it and just picture all these reminders when you need to!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: Mood-dependent recall and the bad sex memories | Dater Analysis

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