The threesome non-event

So, I decided to give up dating for a bit. I logged out of my dating apps, and started to focus on other things instead.

I replaced Okcupid with Rightmove in my life, and nearly bought a flat. This is less crazy than it sounds, as I nearly bought a flat last year, but it fell through; I was only supposed to be staying with Flatmate Joe temporarily, but I like it here so much, I lost interest in house-hunting. 

This time, I quickly found the best flat I have seen, but it didn’t quite work out, as the person selling it was an idiot.

I have had more nights out with new female friends – one of which I had to cut short as I had the most weird, aggressive sneezing fit. We had been to a ‘pop-up bar’ in Shoreditch which urged us to ‘re-imagine citrus’. After we left and were queuing to get into a normal pub, I sneezed about 100 times. I couldn’t talk for sneezing and had to go home as my eyes were bloodshot, my nose was streaming, my head felt disorientated and my teeth were aching. Maybe I’m allergic to Shoreditch pretentiousness.

I went back to salsa for the first time in a year and a half. I thought I wouldn’t remember it, but it went absolutely brilliantly. My muscles remembered all the moves and I even danced with people from the advanced class. I couldn’t stop smiling on the way home.

However, old habits die hard, and last weekend, I did have a bit of a look on Tinder.

I’ve tried most dating apps, but OkCupid is my weapon of choice. I find, as you can enter more information about your personality and things, it matches you to people you have more in common with. 

I briefly dabbled with Tinder but as I scrolled through all the topless gym selfies, I thought I don’t even want to be friends with these people, let alone let them put their penises inside me. 

However, the other night, I was bored, and everyone else seems to get on with Tinder so I wondered if I had judged it too harshly.

I was scrolling through the profiles, and it did still seem like the people were less my cup of tea than on the people on OkCupid.

Then I came across one that caught my attention. There was one photo was of a guy, but the other was of a woman. It said “cute couple looking for just one single woman to have fun and explore with :-)”.

I was about to Swipe Left, when something made me think Hmmm. I swiped right.

Why did I do that? I wondered. Then I thought Fuck it, why not?

She was a pretty brunette, and he described himself as blonde but actually looked more at the ginger end of the spectrum to me. He was handsome though.

They then matched with me, and sent me a message, a few days later. I didn’t reply, partly because I was busy and forgot, and partly because I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

One of my friends recently dated a couple. After the first time, I asked “did you have a 696 or a 969?”

Then I added “or was it more like that Isle of Man flag – you know – the one where you glance at it and think it’s a swastika?”

One of my other friends said “Or was it like the Human Caterpillar?”

“Do you mean the Human Centipede?” I asked.

My friend said the weirdest thing about dating this couple, was that it wasn’t weird. But after a few times, it kind of lost its sheen and fizzled out.

I have wondered if I’m a bit bi-curious in the past, and went on a date with a woman last year, so I thought it would be interesting to explore this after all.

I got another message, and replied this time.

The other day, the guy of the couple gave me his number and we started chatting over Whatsapp.

God, this could actually happen! I thought.

One of my ex-boyfriends had a threesome with two girls, and he said it was actually a lot more awkward and less sexy than he would’ve expected. It was with an ex-girlfriend he had broken up with, but they were still occasionally sleeping together. He didn’t really want to anymore, so she was coming up with more elaborate ways of convincing him to sleep with her, including coming round with a random girl one night, and suggesting a threesome.

He said every time he doing stuff with the other girl, his ex-girlfriend got jealous. He said it wasn’t that amazing, but he was still kind of glad to say he’d done it.

I think I had always imagined that’s how a threesome would be – great idea on paper, but a bit of a logistical nightmare and awkward in real life.

Do I really want to do this? I asked myself. 

I don’t even really like doing a 69 – if I’ve administering oral sex, I like to be able to concentrate 100% on what I’m doing, and if I’m receiving it, I like to concentrate on that 100%. It’s the same as how I love a roast dinner, and I love going to the cinema, but I wouldn’t eat a roast dinner in the cinema, as I want to give each thing enough attention.

So how would I feel if there were three sets of genitals flying around?

I thought it was quite likely to be something my head was up for, but once it happened, my heart and/or loins might not actually be into it.

After briefly chatting to the guy, and going to bed, I was having a nice time on my own and thought in detail what the threesome would be like. I imagined kissing the sexy girl and a hot guy also being there, and what we each might do to each other.

It turns out my loins are into it!

The next day, the guy and I chatted more on Whatsapp. The conversation wasn’t quite as I would’ve expected.

It felt like any normal conversation with a guy off a dating app. He sent me a photo of his cat and his dinner. It was all “my cat” and “my dinner”, whereas I would’ve expected it to be like “this is our cat” and “this is what we’re having for dinner.”

I said “tell me more about your other half.”

He said “sure. She’s easy-going, cute, smart.”

Then he added “geeky at times :-)”.

That wasn’t exactly the kind of information I was looking for. “How long have you been together?” I added.

“We are more FWB at the moment.” He replied. (Friends with Benefits).

Then he added “but we’re really close and coupley.”

“I think I had the impression you were more like a couple that had been together for years and looking to jazz things up.”

“Nope not quite.” He said. “Does that change how you feel?”

I said I didn’t think so.

I suggested he create a Whatsapp group and add the lady, so we could all chat.

He said “sure” and then ignored me for about a day.

He still keeps texting me (often at 3am or 1am, annoyingly) with things like selfies of himself at a wedding, but the third person in the threesome still hasn’t been integrated.

I can’t help wondering if she is on board with this threesome, or even knows about it.

I wouldn’t be 100% surprised if she doesn’t even exist, and this is just an elaborate plot to make his profile stand out from the other Tinder chumps.

He texted me asking if wanted to meet for dinner and drinks next week.

I said “would that be the three of us?”

He said “sure. But let’s just you and I meet first.”

Nope.

That doesn’t seem right at all. 

Back to the threesome drawing board.