The other meaning of CBT

A few weeks ago, I decided to join a dating site. It was probably too soon after my breakup to start dating again, but it was a tipsy evening in, on my own, on a Friday, and for some reason I was feeling slightly obsessed with sex. I decided I would just sign up, have a flick through the Argos catalogue of human faces, and see what was out there, but not do anything.

Obviously one of the first things you have to do is create a username. I love ladybirds, and have come up with ladybird-themed usernames in the past. I tried ‘Ladybird’ but that had already gone. I tried ‘London Ladybird’, as I live in London, but that had gone. I thought for a moment. ‘Something else ladybird…’ What other aspects of my personality were there?

I’m a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist, and surely if that doesn’t draw in the hordes, nothing will. I decided to go with ‘CBT Ladybird’, although, when I look back, it’s a bit crap.

As my finger hovered over ‘submit’ I suddenly remembered that there was another meaning of ‘CBT’ – it stands for some kind of motorbike driving test.

Fuck it, they’ll know what I mean. I thought, and pressed submit.

Literally ten minutes after I had created my profile, I received this message.

cbt-1

Shit. The other meaning of CBT.

I hadn’t thought about it for ages, but there is a third meaning of CBT: cock and ball torture.

I discovered this a few years ago, when a colleague was looking on Amazon for a CBT textbook, and a DVD about cock and ball torture came up on her screen. How we all laughed.

So, less than ten minutes after creating my profile, I received a message saying “How beautiful goddess how are you doing. Would you like a pain submissive boyfriend to train and punish as you desire. For real cbt.”

I immediately realised my mistake, and replied, saying “Shit, I meant CBT as in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is what I do for a living.” I explained the mix-up, and we both agreed it was hilarious. I reiterated I wasn’t into his kind of CBT and said “I think I’d probably be wasting your time, as that kind of thing is a bit fancy for me”.

I then tried to work out how to change my username.

You can’t, unless you pay to upgrade.

Meanwhile, the third-kind-of-CBT-fan was still messaging me.

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“Its not that fancy lol.what ideas of the cbt am I on about do you have and would consider”.

Ok pal, if I was punishing you for anything, it would be your flimsy grasp on how to use punctuation.

“Like filling in a Thought Diary.” I replied, mentioning a classic staple of my kind of CBT.

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“How about bondage.weights on the balls.slapping.light kicks.”

Gosh.

Again, terrible use of punctuation.

“Doesn’t sound like it’s NICE Guideline Recommended”. I replied.

I stopped replying, and he sent me a couple more messages, referring to ‘sage words’, which I realised were probably an autocorrect error for ‘safe words’.

As I couldn’t change my username, I decided to make it very clear which type of CBT I administer in my description of myself, on my profile.

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One of my friends warned me that, even with the explanation, men would just see what they wanted and decide I’m the ‘thinking man’s cock and ball torturer’.

But I actually found that it was quite a good ice-breaker, and I got lots of messages from men saying they had just googled the other kind of CBT to see what it was. And regretted seeing some of the images.

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One thought on “The other meaning of CBT

  1. Pingback: How to CBT yourself out of love | Dater Analysis

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